As I type this I am in the thick of a situation that is teaching me a great deal about dealing with shame, overcoming failures and not allowing them to drown and overwhelm you.
I'll spare you the details of the situation but I will share with you some important lessons that I was reminded of and learned during this time:
1. Shame thrives in being hidden/ covered up, in you cowering/ hiding, in dark spaces. Allow yourself to be seen (by those you trust, of course) and deal with the shame head-on. In this space, Brene Brown is an absolutely empowering resource.
2. What other people think of you/ say about you is none of your business. This is something I embraced years into my adulthood and it's held me in good stead. When faced with people knowing about an issue that you would rather have kept hidden, there's really no value in agonizing over what people are saying behind your back. You can never control people's conversations about you and their thoughts regarding you so just talk to yourself to not spend too much time wondering/ stressing about that.
3. Change your focus. It's easy to feel like the whole world is coming to an end but honestly, there are always bigger and more important matters going on around you - even when you are thick in a crisis. I found that changing my focus to other matters helped me not think that my personal "crisis of shame" is what every conversation is about.
4. Accept grace (unmerited favour) and love. Sure, there will always be people who will judge and condemn you but there are also people who will show you love and provide you with a safe space to be naked and unashamed. If you do not have any people like that in your life, you can always pay for the services of a professional who's interest is not in showing you how horrible you are but in helping you deal with the situation you are facing. I am a Christian, so for me, this also meant accepting God's grace. Advice that I've always given people is to always maintain honest communication with God - there's nothing you can do that can shock Him!
5. Remember to breathe and maintain an attitude of gratitude. Whatever is going wrong in your life, I guarantee you that there are things you can be grateful for. Keep reminding yourself of whatever good there is in your life.
This is by no means an exhaustive list of the lessons I've learned but what was on my mind to write. Whatever situation you may be faced with... it may be the end of the world as you knew it but it's not the end of the world. Get up, dust yourself off and keep walking (whether or not you are limping or even if crawling is all you can muster) ... let us fail forward!
Sending you love.
Wednesday, January 29, 2020
Friday, December 20, 2019
Drama at the airport... Waving 2019 goodbye, waiting for 2020 in anticipation
Yesterday day I was scheduled to fly home for Christmas but there was such drama that I was inspired to post about the whole thing.
I got to the airport a bit early coz knew I needed to wrap my bag. The police created a bit of a delay driving in so I was early but not as early as planned. While I was I was waiting for my bag to be wrapped, the machine broke down and I had to move to another one. (I didn't want to chance not wrapping my bag after I had my perfume and jewellery stolen out of my bag in August). While waiting for the bag to be wrapped, I checked in online with only two minutes before the online check-in was closed.
After my bag was wrapped I then ran to the check-in counter to leave my luggage only to be told that check-in was closed so I couldn't leave my bag. Apparently, my only option was to buy another ticket. I quickly checked and the next available ticket was today afternoon for R2599 and I knew then I had to think fast and make another plan.
At this point, it's 10 minutes before the boarding gate closes. I go to a kiosk with a gentle brother (a Rastafarian fellow with kind eyes) and ask to leave my bag with him. He obliged, for a "small fee" of R250. I remembered that a friend had said she'd be driving down to East London on Sunday so I was hoping that she could take the bag with her. She could only come through today to fetch my bag from whoever I'd leave it with so I quickly called one of my mothers (an older lady I met and became friends with about 10 years ago) to organise for my bag to be picked up coz the guy I left it with would knock off at 19h00.
All of this I'm doing while trying to get to my boarding gate. Oh, did I mention that the ladies at the gates went through my luggage coz my perfume bottle had a cap "that looked like a weapon"?! LOL At this point I'm thinking, "Lady, you can have the bottle cap but I'm not losing another perfume to airport staff!" Fortunately, she realised that it wasn't a weapon and I now had to sprint to the boarding gate.
I get to the boarding gate, C12, only to be redirected to E7 (downstairs from where I was). I was told I had 5 minutes to board! By the time I actually boarded I'm sweating like a maniac but grateful to have made it!
What a way to start my holiday! I'm so grateful for God's grace, quick-thinking and for the people he put along my way who were willing to help.
Now that I'm home safe, my luggage is secured all is well, I am smiling at how God just wanted to show me his grace in an exciting way that left me even more excited about 2020! A new season of grace is surely coming.
I got to the airport a bit early coz knew I needed to wrap my bag. The police created a bit of a delay driving in so I was early but not as early as planned. While I was I was waiting for my bag to be wrapped, the machine broke down and I had to move to another one. (I didn't want to chance not wrapping my bag after I had my perfume and jewellery stolen out of my bag in August). While waiting for the bag to be wrapped, I checked in online with only two minutes before the online check-in was closed.
After my bag was wrapped I then ran to the check-in counter to leave my luggage only to be told that check-in was closed so I couldn't leave my bag. Apparently, my only option was to buy another ticket. I quickly checked and the next available ticket was today afternoon for R2599 and I knew then I had to think fast and make another plan.
At this point, it's 10 minutes before the boarding gate closes. I go to a kiosk with a gentle brother (a Rastafarian fellow with kind eyes) and ask to leave my bag with him. He obliged, for a "small fee" of R250. I remembered that a friend had said she'd be driving down to East London on Sunday so I was hoping that she could take the bag with her. She could only come through today to fetch my bag from whoever I'd leave it with so I quickly called one of my mothers (an older lady I met and became friends with about 10 years ago) to organise for my bag to be picked up coz the guy I left it with would knock off at 19h00.
All of this I'm doing while trying to get to my boarding gate. Oh, did I mention that the ladies at the gates went through my luggage coz my perfume bottle had a cap "that looked like a weapon"?! LOL At this point I'm thinking, "Lady, you can have the bottle cap but I'm not losing another perfume to airport staff!" Fortunately, she realised that it wasn't a weapon and I now had to sprint to the boarding gate.
I get to the boarding gate, C12, only to be redirected to E7 (downstairs from where I was). I was told I had 5 minutes to board! By the time I actually boarded I'm sweating like a maniac but grateful to have made it!
What a way to start my holiday! I'm so grateful for God's grace, quick-thinking and for the people he put along my way who were willing to help.
Now that I'm home safe, my luggage is secured all is well, I am smiling at how God just wanted to show me his grace in an exciting way that left me even more excited about 2020! A new season of grace is surely coming.
Monday, October 1, 2018
Winded by an act of kindness...
After a long absence today I was inspired to write my first blog of 2018! A lot has happened since the last time I posted something but today I was so overwhelmed that I needed to open the floodgates and let the words flow through me.
Today is the 1st October 2018, a "normal" Monday by many standards except - two colleagues conspired to show me such kindness that I spent a good part of my lunch break in the powder room... crying, praising God and just soaking in the love.
Before I share what touched me so deeply, let me share some context: I am currently employed in a South African state-owned entity that has a flawed performance management system. I consider it flawed because your appraisal is based on your line manager and many managers have used this system to stick it to their subordinates.
This past financial year I was transferred to a division where the manager seemed to have it in for me... this was my experience and also confirmed by many colleagues who have asked me in confidence what I have done to the lady boss for her to not like me so much! Needless to say, I endured quite a lot "character-building" moments while working with her and these all culminated in the appalling assessment she gave me at the year-end review. I took it all on the chin because I knew that working with her was a part of God's plan for me to develop my character. The poor performance score she gave me meant that I would not be eligible for a performance bonus - for the first time since I joined the organisation in 2011.
The performance bonuses were paid out last Friday and while all around me my colleagues were planning how they would spend their bonus, I decided to exercise not making a big production of my circumstance; not taking things personally and rather rejoice with others without once letting them suspect that I did not receive the bonus payout.
All the above was setting the scene for what really inspired this blog post: two managers that I had also worked with during the year came to me with cash in their hands. They both had knowing looks... they told me that the money was their way of showing me that I'm not alone and that despite the poor performance score that they know I received from my line manager, they wanted me to know just how much they appreciated all my hard work.
Needless to say, I cried... I was so moved by their gesture of kindness. Their actions left me filled with so much love that words cannot describe.
Today's blog is a to encourage someone who may be feeling unappreciated. I need you to rest in the knowledge that God always sees your good works... when you work - whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
A man reaps what he sows... Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Also, may we do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers whenever the opportunity presents itself.
Today is the 1st October 2018, a "normal" Monday by many standards except - two colleagues conspired to show me such kindness that I spent a good part of my lunch break in the powder room... crying, praising God and just soaking in the love.
Before I share what touched me so deeply, let me share some context: I am currently employed in a South African state-owned entity that has a flawed performance management system. I consider it flawed because your appraisal is based on your line manager and many managers have used this system to stick it to their subordinates.
This past financial year I was transferred to a division where the manager seemed to have it in for me... this was my experience and also confirmed by many colleagues who have asked me in confidence what I have done to the lady boss for her to not like me so much! Needless to say, I endured quite a lot "character-building" moments while working with her and these all culminated in the appalling assessment she gave me at the year-end review. I took it all on the chin because I knew that working with her was a part of God's plan for me to develop my character. The poor performance score she gave me meant that I would not be eligible for a performance bonus - for the first time since I joined the organisation in 2011.
The performance bonuses were paid out last Friday and while all around me my colleagues were planning how they would spend their bonus, I decided to exercise not making a big production of my circumstance; not taking things personally and rather rejoice with others without once letting them suspect that I did not receive the bonus payout.
All the above was setting the scene for what really inspired this blog post: two managers that I had also worked with during the year came to me with cash in their hands. They both had knowing looks... they told me that the money was their way of showing me that I'm not alone and that despite the poor performance score that they know I received from my line manager, they wanted me to know just how much they appreciated all my hard work.
Needless to say, I cried... I was so moved by their gesture of kindness. Their actions left me filled with so much love that words cannot describe.
Today's blog is a to encourage someone who may be feeling unappreciated. I need you to rest in the knowledge that God always sees your good works... when you work - whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
A man reaps what he sows... Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Also, may we do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers whenever the opportunity presents itself.
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
When in doubt, seek clarity
This morning I had an experience that inspired this post. It'll be brief, I'm really just writing to vent:-)
I don't know what it is about growing up that teaches us that asking questions will make us look bad. I once heard a saying which encourages seeking clarity as opposed to staying in the dark.
"He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question remains a fool forever." – Chinese Proverb
I suppose society generally makes it seem like people are born knowing things but in reality, we all are clueless at some point... until we take the time to learn and gain the knowledge about any one topic.
I decided a while back to risk appearing foolish for the sake of gaining information and knowledge and I'm glad that I made that decision - it really has fared me well.
If you gain anything from my little rant, I pray that it's to affirm the importance of seeking clarity whenever in doubt!
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Lessons learned in the "house of pain"
Approximately 7 weeks ago I decided to join a private gym and enlist the services of a buff private trainer. As I pen this post, I have pain in muscles that I didn't even know that I had. As a distraction from the discomfort I feel in my body, my mind started to wander to common phrases that have been barked at me repeatedly over the last 7 weeks and of their relevance to me outside of gym aka "the house of pain".
"Come on, push yourself!"
"It's all in the mind!"
"You can do it!"
"Finish what you've started!"
I've heard the above phrases so many times over the past couple of weeks that I find myself saying them to myself in different settings (yes, I do speak to myself!).
Three major lessons that I've learned are that:
1. "I can often keep going long after I thought I had no more strength left in me."
2. "It really matters what message is playing in my head."
3. "Sometimes finishing what I've started is realising that I can go no further than I've already come."
"I can often keep going long after I thought I had no more strength left in me."
During my first conversation with my trainer, I admitted that I can be quite lazy when it came to exercise and that I knew enough about myself to know that I will need to be pushed in order to get the desired results. My own words have come back to haunt so many times over the past 7 weeks when I realise that I really would much rather be in my cosy bed than doing squats, "mountain climbers" or pushing tyres around the studio floor!
I've been pleasantly surprised to find that I actually can do so much more than I'd initially thought I'm able to do. This realisation has been one of the many benefits I'm enjoying from consistently going to gym. Outside of "the house of pain", I've now found that I'm able to push myself harder to keep going past my comfort zone.
"It really matters what message is playing in my head."
So many times while training I've caught myself complaining, cursing the trainer or simply repeating the reasons why I just hate doing a particular exercise. In those moments, I've had to talk myself into changing my mind chatter and have surprisingly found that changing my thoughts had an impact on how I performed physically.
The lesson outside of gym is that sometimes we talk ourselves out of life's blessings by our negative self talk. I've learned that sometimes all that I had to do in order to have a different, more positive experience is to change my thoughts about a situation/ change my perspective about an experience and have found that in going this, things really seemed different.
One of my favourite Bible verse is Philippians 4:8 and I keep realising the power in these words:
"Finally, believers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things [center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart]." - Philippians 4:8 (Amplified)
"Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." - Philippians 4:8-9 (The Message)
"Sometimes finishing what I've started is realising that I can go no further than I've already come."
As stated in the first lesson, I sometimes want to give up while there's still strength left in me to keep going. At other instances, I've had to give up without finishing what I started with good intentions to see it through. Acknowledging that I have failed and learning from the failure, dusting myself off and getting back up again is one of the most humbling lessons that life has taught me both inside and outside of gym.
While sweating and training in the gym, I've had moments when I've simply failed to finish the reps and have had to acknowledge that my body had just had enough for the day. In those moments, "finishing what I've started" is simply taking a break; wiping sweat off my face; drinking some water then hit the shower - knowing that I need to refresh and come back to train again another day.
Outside of gym, this has meant coming face-to-face with my inability to finish a task/ acknowledging that the relationship that I thought was for keeps was just not going to last/ realising that I am not "Super Woman" after all and that sometimes I just will not "do it all".
I know that it's still early days but I sure do hope that I keep at my new habit until it becomes a part of my lifestyle - I definitely have had so many benefits from my constant visits to "the house of pain". By writing this piece, I hope to encourage you to also get your own journey to becoming a better version of yourself - no matter the challenges and pain you have to push through in order to realise your dreams.
"Come on, push yourself!"
"It's all in the mind!"
"You can do it!"
"Finish what you've started!"
I've heard the above phrases so many times over the past couple of weeks that I find myself saying them to myself in different settings (yes, I do speak to myself!).
Three major lessons that I've learned are that:
1. "I can often keep going long after I thought I had no more strength left in me."
2. "It really matters what message is playing in my head."
3. "Sometimes finishing what I've started is realising that I can go no further than I've already come."
"I can often keep going long after I thought I had no more strength left in me."
During my first conversation with my trainer, I admitted that I can be quite lazy when it came to exercise and that I knew enough about myself to know that I will need to be pushed in order to get the desired results. My own words have come back to haunt so many times over the past 7 weeks when I realise that I really would much rather be in my cosy bed than doing squats, "mountain climbers" or pushing tyres around the studio floor!
I've been pleasantly surprised to find that I actually can do so much more than I'd initially thought I'm able to do. This realisation has been one of the many benefits I'm enjoying from consistently going to gym. Outside of "the house of pain", I've now found that I'm able to push myself harder to keep going past my comfort zone.
"It really matters what message is playing in my head."
So many times while training I've caught myself complaining, cursing the trainer or simply repeating the reasons why I just hate doing a particular exercise. In those moments, I've had to talk myself into changing my mind chatter and have surprisingly found that changing my thoughts had an impact on how I performed physically.
The lesson outside of gym is that sometimes we talk ourselves out of life's blessings by our negative self talk. I've learned that sometimes all that I had to do in order to have a different, more positive experience is to change my thoughts about a situation/ change my perspective about an experience and have found that in going this, things really seemed different.
One of my favourite Bible verse is Philippians 4:8 and I keep realising the power in these words:
"Finally, believers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things [center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart]." - Philippians 4:8 (Amplified)
"Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." - Philippians 4:8-9 (The Message)
"Sometimes finishing what I've started is realising that I can go no further than I've already come."
As stated in the first lesson, I sometimes want to give up while there's still strength left in me to keep going. At other instances, I've had to give up without finishing what I started with good intentions to see it through. Acknowledging that I have failed and learning from the failure, dusting myself off and getting back up again is one of the most humbling lessons that life has taught me both inside and outside of gym.
While sweating and training in the gym, I've had moments when I've simply failed to finish the reps and have had to acknowledge that my body had just had enough for the day. In those moments, "finishing what I've started" is simply taking a break; wiping sweat off my face; drinking some water then hit the shower - knowing that I need to refresh and come back to train again another day.
Outside of gym, this has meant coming face-to-face with my inability to finish a task/ acknowledging that the relationship that I thought was for keeps was just not going to last/ realising that I am not "Super Woman" after all and that sometimes I just will not "do it all".
I know that it's still early days but I sure do hope that I keep at my new habit until it becomes a part of my lifestyle - I definitely have had so many benefits from my constant visits to "the house of pain". By writing this piece, I hope to encourage you to also get your own journey to becoming a better version of yourself - no matter the challenges and pain you have to push through in order to realise your dreams.
Monday, November 10, 2014
10th November 2014...
The curious title for this post is because I'm not sure what I'll end up penning (that's code for: "I feel like rambling on some". Today's been one of those weird days: I woke up very heavy hearted and I couldn't pinpoint what the cause was. I just blamed it on the hormones (yes Nosy, it's THAT time of the month).
As I drove to work I took a call from my mom telling me of the passing of Dr Myles Munroe... I was sad to hear the news but I really wasn't shaken. Death makes me sad but I'm not "shaken to the core" by it (story for another day).
As the morning unfolded I had so much on my mind: #Purpose #LivingWell #FinishYourRace #Love #Influence #Legacy these were all influenced by all the tributes I read of this great man.
I'm sitting here right now and I'm just inspired to be all that God has created me to be. If you remember anything from this extremely random post, I do pray it is this: "Life is not as long as we act like it is. Live hard; laugh hard; love hard."
God causes our paths to cross with so many people, if you have the opportunity to leave have an indelible influence on someone - make sure that it's a good mark you leave.
#LetLoveReign in you and through you.
As I drove to work I took a call from my mom telling me of the passing of Dr Myles Munroe... I was sad to hear the news but I really wasn't shaken. Death makes me sad but I'm not "shaken to the core" by it (story for another day).
As the morning unfolded I had so much on my mind: #Purpose #LivingWell #FinishYourRace #Love #Influence #Legacy these were all influenced by all the tributes I read of this great man.
I'm sitting here right now and I'm just inspired to be all that God has created me to be. If you remember anything from this extremely random post, I do pray it is this: "Life is not as long as we act like it is. Live hard; laugh hard; love hard."
God causes our paths to cross with so many people, if you have the opportunity to leave have an indelible influence on someone - make sure that it's a good mark you leave.
#LetLoveReign in you and through you.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
"When are you getting married?"
Since my late twenties the question I seem to hear more that any other has got to be, "When are you getting married?" ... when I draw a blank or sound non-committal in my response; that question is usually followed by, "Do you WANT to get married?". Oh boy!
For all those who don't know me from a bar of soap, let me start by giving you a bit of background (not too much - I've still to get over my phobia of 'oversharing' on this internet with a memory like an elephant!): I am a 31 year old black woman, living in South Africa. I am a Christian i.e. what I do/ don't do; feel guilty about doing; how I do what I do etc. is always influenced by my relationship with Jesus Christ. I was raised by my single mom, am her only child (and 1 of about 26 children sired by my late father - I tell you no lies #StoryForAnotherDay). I am the eldest grandchild from my mom's family; the first grandchild to go to varsity; live on her own (and behind my back, I know that I'm called "The Independent One"). Okay, I digress but that should give you some indication of what kind of "animal" you're dealing with here.
Now, back to that question. It's not that I don't want to get married and it's not that I don't sometimes miss having someone who will care that I fell and cried like a baby i.e. the small, seemingly unimportant daily happenings in my life - I do want all of that but... well, if it was so easy then I'd have that. Right? I've actually started responding to this question in this way (depending on who is asking):
What inspired me to rant on this blog is a meeting that I had yesterday with an older brother/ YoungDaddy who I hadn't seen in a while. As we were catching up "THE QUESTION" came up once again and I guess that got me thinking. I know that writing about this slight frustration won't stop "my people" from asking me, "When are you getting married?" or the variation, "Why aren't you married yet?" but this sure has helped me get something off my chest.
Thanks for "listening". #AsYouWere
For all those who don't know me from a bar of soap, let me start by giving you a bit of background (not too much - I've still to get over my phobia of 'oversharing' on this internet with a memory like an elephant!): I am a 31 year old black woman, living in South Africa. I am a Christian i.e. what I do/ don't do; feel guilty about doing; how I do what I do etc. is always influenced by my relationship with Jesus Christ. I was raised by my single mom, am her only child (and 1 of about 26 children sired by my late father - I tell you no lies #StoryForAnotherDay). I am the eldest grandchild from my mom's family; the first grandchild to go to varsity; live on her own (and behind my back, I know that I'm called "The Independent One"). Okay, I digress but that should give you some indication of what kind of "animal" you're dealing with here.
Now, back to that question. It's not that I don't want to get married and it's not that I don't sometimes miss having someone who will care that I fell and cried like a baby i.e. the small, seemingly unimportant daily happenings in my life - I do want all of that but... well, if it was so easy then I'd have that. Right? I've actually started responding to this question in this way (depending on who is asking):
- an older lady asking "the question", get's this response "Ma, you need to pray harder for that man to find me!"
- a guy friend asking "the question", get's this response "Bhuti, when are you hooking me up with some eligible brothers?"
- a girl friend asking "the question", get's this response "Sisi, you're dropping the ball - when are you pointing your eligible brothers my way?"
What inspired me to rant on this blog is a meeting that I had yesterday with an older brother/ YoungDaddy who I hadn't seen in a while. As we were catching up "THE QUESTION" came up once again and I guess that got me thinking. I know that writing about this slight frustration won't stop "my people" from asking me, "When are you getting married?" or the variation, "Why aren't you married yet?" but this sure has helped me get something off my chest.
Thanks for "listening". #AsYouWere
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